anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
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[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.