anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.