Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

Is anyone gonna tell them?

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”