Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

[shakes fist at other fist]

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.