Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
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How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
that de-escalated quickly
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Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good