Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
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HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?