Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
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Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Does it…does it take 3 days
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.