Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
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“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.