Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
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Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
some cats are just doing for fun!
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*