Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

She might be a genius

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you