Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

Not my job 😂

every man in east london

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

I love you to the refrigerator and back

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?