Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
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“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.