Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
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I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Voting for coroner
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Midwest trash talk
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz