Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

Proctologist = Analyst

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.