Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

OMG you guys!! I have abs

.

.

.

.

.

.

…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.