Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
You Might Also Like
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.