Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

😂

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

😭😭😭

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

For those that worship cheese..

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

i feel so bad i refunded him

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet