Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.