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Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.