Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

me when the borders lift

Pretty certain I can more drunk

I didn’t come here to be called names

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours