Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
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so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Dear Lord..
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.