Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
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THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
This is a genius move
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know