Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.