Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
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If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Growing out my freckles.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.