@jesseddy

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

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@Darlainky

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

@Junk_Boat

She told me she “literally died laughing,” and that’s when I realized she had to be a zombie and shot her in the face.

@ryanyeetz

i’ve seen enough demonic possession movies to know that as soon as you see your kid just standing at the foot of your bed, you kill it. don’t be a hero

@lisaxy424

teenage me: why do old people like birds so much lol like get a cooler hobby nerds

me now: THAT ONE IS A RED HOUSE FINCH AND OH LISTEN YOU CAN HEAR THE NORTHERN FLICKER OVER THERE HEY LOOK THE GRACKLES ARE BACK

@shutupmikeginn

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

@RoastedPapad

She : It’s not working between us.
He : Why ?
She : For starters I can’t handle your silly jokes.
He : Hmm okay and for main course ?

@tastefactory

COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won’t eat ur way out of these
CROOK: Sure

@TheHyyyype

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

@daemonic3

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.