I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”
Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
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She told me she “literally died laughing,” and that’s when I realized she had to be a zombie and shot her in the face.
i’ve seen enough demonic possession movies to know that as soon as you see your kid just standing at the foot of your bed, you kill it. don’t be a hero
teenage me: why do old people like birds so much lol like get a cooler hobby nerds
me now: THAT ONE IS A RED HOUSE FINCH AND OH LISTEN YOU CAN HEAR THE NORTHERN FLICKER OVER THERE HEY LOOK THE GRACKLES ARE BACK
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
She : It’s not working between us.
He : Why ?
She : For starters I can’t handle your silly jokes.
He : Hmm okay and for main course ?
COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won’t eat ur way out of these
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.