Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
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Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.