Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
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Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick