Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

Any refunds available?…

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure