Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
You Might Also Like
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.