Anyone want a chair?
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idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet