Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there