Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

First I was a pebble..

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

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5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

Just did a big green poo by a canal

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect