Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.