Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!