Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
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Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.