Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

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There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.


We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]


We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.


[England 1320]
“Dearest fair lady, thou art the finest in the land. Allow me to gaze upon thee soon. My love grows.”

*waits 6 months*



It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.


I respect how the Hamburglar was like, “Hey, I know I’m at rock bottom here, but I’m going to be professional about it and wear a tie.”


Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”


Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?