There’s a doctor here to see you.
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
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We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
“Dearest fair lady, thou art the finest in the land. Allow me to gaze upon thee soon. My love grows.”
*waits 6 months*
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I respect how the Hamburglar was like, “Hey, I know I’m at rock bottom here, but I’m going to be professional about it and wear a tie.”
You need to fix your sign you….you….you DIVS.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?