Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
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monday
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
I’ve been drinking.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.