Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

Incredible customer service.

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.