My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
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ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.