@LittleVodkaOwl

Anyone want to suit up in full hazmat gear and head to the grocery store to freak people out?

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@bourgeoisalien

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

@Reverend_Scott

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

@Ideal_Victoria

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

@alexlumaga

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

@WilliamRodgers

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

@xofreckles

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

@TheAlexNevil

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

@NJPsychDoc

Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!