Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Anyone want to suit up in full hazmat gear and head to the grocery store to freak people out?
You Might Also Like
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!