Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
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*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?