Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
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Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
shazam but for random noises outside
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
when mom throws a party…
Still laughing at this stupid meme
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.