Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.