Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
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Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.