Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
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I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
How to make infinite energy.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn