Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
You Might Also Like
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?