Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?