Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

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Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?