Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

Body by cheese-puffs.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

next level snooze

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.