Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.