My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
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ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife