Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

Introverted vegans go meetless

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this