Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

I feel seen

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*