Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion