Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

He has no idea 🤡