Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget