Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.