Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

This headline is a thing of beauty

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

I’m never leaving this app.

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.