Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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My hips? Compulsive liars.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.