Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

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ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house


fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin


Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.


I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one


As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”


Cop: have you been drinking?

Me: nah

Cop: please take off your sombrero


The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.


*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”


Me: will I find true love?

Ouji Board: A R E Y O U H U N G R Y

Me: dammit grandma not now