@ankles_so_weak

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

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@AbbyHasIssues

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

@simoncholland

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

@amydillon

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

@bornmiserable

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

@Ndeshi_M

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

@just1fool

Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?

@HysteriaBarbie

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

@fillthevacuum

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist