@ankles_so_weak

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

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@EvanSilliams

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

@KimmyMonte

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

@XennDad

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

@david8hughes

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

@DaddyJew

Cop: have you been drinking?

Me: nah

Cop: please take off your sombrero

@HenpeckedHal

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

@SenseiSandwich

*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”

@amjustspencer

Me: will I find true love?

Ouji Board: A R E Y O U H U N G R Y

Me: dammit grandma not now