I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist