Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
incredible text to wake up to
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist