Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

*looks at you in batman voice*

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.