Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run