Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
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*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
