Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan