Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

That’s classic.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.