Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.