Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
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My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I’m tired tomorrow.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm