Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
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BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
that lip filler tho
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
How do dragons blow out candles?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that