Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

My plans: 2020:

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

*pronounces woah like Noah*

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie