Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
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Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes