Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.