Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
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When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I can’t be the only one 😂
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
She was REALLY feeling it.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.